A week later...

It's been a week since we said goodbye to Miss A, and the grieving process has been both helpful and confusing.

Here's what I know:

• That was a fabulous first experience. I had prepared myself for my own horror stories, the kind people felt the need to tell us when we first shared that we were feeling called this direction. The worst of our problems, really, was the sleep inconsistencies, and I'm confident that's just a matter of time and comfort for any child.
• God called us into this. If He hadn't, we wouldn't have survived it, come out stronger, and feel peace about where we are now.
• God is calling us to do it again. Not right away, there's still some healing and breath-catching to do.
• I miss her still, but feel complete peace about how the placement ended.
• It'll be a little while before we're ready to go again. I don't know how long. I'm not even sure how I'll know when I'm ready. This girl who has a checklist for everything has no checklist to tell her when she's ready to turn life on it's head again... But that's okay. God knows. My husband will know. God will tell us. I trust them.

One last post about Miss A coming soon - highlights, favorite moments, lessons we learned... As soon as I gather the courage to write it.

Having Said Goodbye (or: How I Am)

We said goodbye to Miss A yesterday morning, and it's just now beginning to feel real.

The last 36 hours have been filled with preparations for a family wedding, so I have been too busy to dwell on the feelings. So many people asked me today "how I am" that I finally started to process.

The house feels empty. There is evidence of a little girl everywhere. A dollhouse in the living room. A pink cup on the bathroom counter. A random sticker stuck to the floor. Same sheets on the bed, which has obviously been "made" by a 3 year old. The dishwasher has kid dishes, kid cups and kid utensils. Her beloved "pack pack" still holds a pink water bottle, with water in it.

And a giant stack of library books on top of the piano remind me each time I pass that a child lives here; no, lived here.

My heart, like my house, also feels like a mess. And like my house, I can see what needs to be done. But I can't find the strength to do it, and I don't know where to begin anyway.

I need to clean, put things away, process through some crap, and get ready to start again. But today I just keep waiting for her to come home.

thinking about "progress"

today i'm thinking about progress. pretty much since Miss A turned our world upside down, we've looked for any inkling of progress to indicate success.

• from hardly sleeping to sleeping mostly through the night.
  
• from refusing to eat hardly anything that grows from the ground to willingly tasting a few fruits, and not even noticing the "ninja veggies" that often get mixed into dinner.
  
• from being unable to be alone in a room, to choosing to play in her room by herself.
  
• from saying "me scared" any time a room seemed darker than necessary, to deciding "me like dark". (some might call this brainwashing. i like to think of it as pep-talks, when i respond to "it's dark." with "it's a good thing we like the dark, huh?")
  
• from no manners to occasional manners.
  
• from unable to communicate needs when emotional to using "big girl words" to tell us what's wrong.
  
• from some serious hesitations about matt to deciding he's her best friend, and choosing to hold his hand instead of mine.

this morning, i thought about how i was up in the middle of the night 3 times. two were to deal with temperature (i think) and one was to convince her that 6:20am is "not quite morning yet". i realized i was discouraged by this, because i was looking at how it affected me. obviously my goal had been to sleep through the night myself (can you blame me?), but the reality is that if long, restful nights are our goal in life, we ought not become parents.

instead, i need to focus on how she is affected, and call that progress. sure, she woke up. but did she scream at me? nope. did she require 2 hours in the rocking chair at 2am? nope. did she kick and sob? nope. did she demand that the lights be turned on? nope. did she require matt and i to sit in dining room chairs in her room and carry on soft, meaningless conversation, in the middle of the night, so she could fall back asleep to the sound of our voices? nope. (that happened once. true story.)

did she wipe away her tears and use big girl words to tell me she was hot? and later, cold? yep. did she climb back into bed willingly and go back to sleep, instead of wanting to sleep on the couch? yep. (well, mostly.)

that's all progress. so yes, i'm tired today. but she's bright-eyed and sunshiny, as usual. she's proud of herself for being a big girl and i'm proud of her too. she's getting what she needs. she's making progress. that's what matters. (and i can sleep later. like, in 15 years or so.)

magic sleep fix?

our biggest challenge with Miss A has been sleep. it took several weeks before she was willing to go into her room by herself for more than a moment, and it took a "big girl" sticker chart to help her claim some courage and not say "me scared" at the idea of turning on her own bedroom light.

so, sleep eluded us too. some nights were better than others, but most nights included two or three awakenings (four on bad night), beginning with crying and often escalating to screaming for various reasons and lengths of time. just in the last few days have we finally seen real progress in this area, as we figure out the right temperature, combination of pjs and blankies, lotion, chapstick, hair in a ponytail, etc, etc, etc. matt looks at us with eyebrows raised and i say, non-chalantly, "girls are high-maintenance. you knew this."

Miss A, our first.

Miss A came to us after a rough week with her family. it was a friday afternoon, my phone rang and the placement worker, who knew we were waiting and eager, said "there's a little girl waiting here for you". a part of me melted. i told him i'd call him back, then i called matt.

we talked it over, prayed, and decided it was as close to perfect timing as we'd ever get. and two hours later, a sweet little girl with chubby cheeks, bright eyes and the sunniest smile i've ever seen, arrived in our home.

Miss A's heart was, understandably, broken. at 3 1/2, she's too young to understand what's going on - and understanding doesn't fix this kind of pain anyway. we began to look for ways to help her cope and begin healing. snacks. hugs. rocking chair. storybooks.

within a few days, we learned that her family had attended church for a season, so we began talking about the God who made her and the Jesus who loves her. we prayed at meals and always thanked God for her, and within a few weeks, she and I were praying each morning on the way to daycare, and again at bedtime. and boy, does she love church. friends. playtime. and every week, "Did you hear a story today?"... "Yup!" ... "What about?" ... "Cheezus. Me see Him?"

celebrating, but sobered too

at last! our foster license was approved today, and we are currently eligible for placement. there's some serious celebrating happening in our hearts today. we started the process in mid-august, and have been working through it over the last seven months.

it was within a few hours of the final email from our licensor that we received our first placement request email. i was quite surprised. DSHS starts by emailing a list of all currently-eligible families with a summary of the situation, and we can reply if we're interested. while it would've been a crazy night, the situation sounded worth exploring, so i replied and asked if we could talk if the child was still available. within moments, my phone was ringing, a blocked number, which i knew immediately was DSHS. the placement worker told me the little boy had been placed, but that they now had a sibling set available out of our local office. we're not at all prepared for a sibling set, but i asked a few of my questions anyway, and told them to contact us if they couldn't find another place for the kids.

as i drove home from the office today, i reflected on this conversation. surely there is celebrating in our home tonight, but my heart is sobered too. that was a real conversation. with real kids. a real family. real moms and dads with real problems. and real kids with real pain and trauma. suddenly, this isn't just an idea or a theory or a dream anymore. it's become very real. and it will only get more real. so while we celebrate the end of the challenging beginning, i am sobered by the realities of the next chapter, and reminded of the vision God has given us for this journey. our hearts are for hurting kids.

Making the Most of Easter

For most adults, Easter isn't about jelly beans and hunting for Easter eggs. In fact, if I'm not careful, Easter feels a little like my grown-up birthdays: "It's Easter. Eh. Just another Sunday."

In ministry, I've found this feeling exaggerated, because it's not just another Sunday; it's a really busy workday.

Don't get me wrong: I love Easter. I love the meaning. I love the celebration of new life. I even love the spring-themed stuff that goes along with the jelly beans and the Easter eggs.

But frequently, I find myself "missing" Easter. What I mean is this: week after week goes by as we just truck through the year, and suddenly we're saying "April already? Wow!" And then suddenly it's Easter, and we expect ourselves to feel especially joyful or connected to God. And then it's over.

After several years of these feelings, I realized that Easter was passing me by. So in order to fully appreciate Easter, I've developed a few habits that help me each year:

1. Intentional Preparation.

Preparing oneself, heart and spirit, for Easter looks different for everyone, and it looks different for me every year. Usually, this includes celebrating Lent.

If you didn't participate in Lent this year, it's not too late to start. Easter is more than a month away. What could you sacrifice for a month, to allow yourself to experience a small taste of Christ's sacrifice for you?

If you have kids at home, I would recommend planning some opportunities or experiences for your family to help learn about and celebrate the Easter story together. In the next few weeks, we'll be publishing a Family Experience Guide which will offer you ideas for daily family moments between Palm Sunday (4/1) and Easter (4/8). This is a great opportunity to prepare your hearts.

2. Intentional Serving.

Just hours before He died, Jesus demonstrated serving to us at the Last Supper, so we'd be remiss to skip this part. I look for a serving opportunity over Holy Week or Easter weekend. This year, Creekside is partnering again with community businesses to provide the Mountlake Terrace Easter Egg Hunt. There are 2 opportunities for you to serve:

• Bring individually-wrapped candy on Sunday, March 11th, 18th or 25th and drop it in the bin in the lobby.
• Help us get ready for easter egg hunters on Saturday, April 7, at the Evergreen playfield in MLT. (Interested? Email me: kthaete @ gmail.com)

3. Intentional Celebration.

Since Easter Sunday is a "work day" for me, I've found it helpful to celebrate throughout the whole weekend. We start by observing and reflecting on Christ's death at our Good Friday service. Saturday is when we break our Lent "fast", and often do something fun or special together. Sunday is about celebrating with our church family, and sometimes visiting our family if time allows.

However you decide to observe Easter, don't miss it. Don't let it pass you by. It's not just another birthday. It's a celebration of great sacrifice, new life, and free gifts. (Okay, that really does make it sound like another birthday - but you and I both know, it's not.)

Shema, Pt 5: Family Rules

What's your attitude about rules? Some love them. Some hate them. The truth is: we all need them. Rules provide the structure and consistency that kids rely on to feel safe, to explore the world, and to learn about what is works in life.

In our NEXTgeneration Kids Ministry, we've just begin transitioning every gathering to using the same set of expectations:

• Be kind.
• Be responsible.
• Be respectful.
• Be safe.

These rules apply to every age group, because every child can meet these expectations according to his or her development.

You probably have some family rules, whether they are visible or invisible, spoken or unspoken. Whether you have official family rules or not, let me encourage you to make time this week to sit down as a family and talk about what your family's rules should look like.

Why do we need rules?
Rules have existed from the beginning of time. When God put Adam and Eve in the garden, there was one rule: "Don't eat that." Under Moses' leadership, the 10 commandments were established, and soon after, the law of the Old Testament (Leviticus, Numbers & Deuteronomy).

The Shema is all about our attitude toward God's rules. If we love God with our whole being, we will want to obey him. The Shema commands us to know these rules, and to pass them onto our children. Not casually, but intentionally. The Shema tells us: Talk about them every day. All day. Whenever the opportunity (or teaching moment!) arises. Keep them visible. Don't forsake God's commands!

Jesus made clear to us what God's commands look like for us as His followers, when He said that all of the law could be summed up in these two: Love God. Love others.

Why did God create these rules?
We teach the kids that rules serve to protect us and help us get along with one another.

That rule about stopping when the light's red? It protects us (so we don't get hit by another car), and it helps us get along with one another (so we don't make others mad). How about that biggie about not murdering? It protects us (so others don't do the same to us...) and it helps us get along with others (so we don't do stupid stuff when we're mad). At the swimming pool, we don't run because we'll probably slip and fall (no explanation needed).

Consider this: Obeying the rules is like using an umbrella. When we obey, we're under the umbrella, while the rain (life?) falls all around us. We stay dry, protected. When we disobey, we step out from under the umbrella. Is it still raining? Yep. Are we protected from the rain? Nope.

Tips for creating family rules:

• Let your kids have as much "say so" as you do in this venture. You might be surprised at the rules they want to have in place.
  
• Rules shouldn't be all about "don't". Use positive language wherever you can.
  
• Family rules should always be up for review by the whole family, at the right time and place - but on a day to day basis, we all (parents, you too!) follow the rules. (See below.)
  
• If you want your kids to follow the rules, be the example. If you don't tell the truth all the time, why should they? And if you lose your temper and say something unkind, humble yourself, apologize in a full sentence, ask their forgiveness, and patch it up. It's biblical.
  
• Expect kids to say they're sorry when they break a rule, and to right a wrong against someone else. If one rule is "Be kind", and your son is constantly antagonizing his sister, it's time to let him think up his consequence, and to make things right with her!
  
• Keep it simple. There are some REALLY elaborate lists out there that include some really odd rules. ("Smile"? What about when I'm sad? Should I hide it? How about "Have a good attitude" instead.) Avoid too many rules - your 8 year old can not memorize a list of 15 rules!
  
• Make sure your consequences are fair, consistent, and that you follow through. Rules with no consequences are not rules at all.

How to start the conversation with your family...
Ask some questions:

• Why do we need rules?
• What are some rules you have at school? At church?
• What are some of the rules you think we have at home?
• What rules should we have at home?

Make it visible:

• Do something creative together to write out your rules.
  
• Keep them visible. Hang them up. Post them on the fridge. Tattoo them on their forearms. Leave stickies on the bathroom mirror. Out of sight? Out of mind.

Need some ideas? Here are a few of my favorites from around the interwebz:









On a related note, if you need a little help making dinner an enjoyable family time, check out this great blog post called "Rules of Dinner".

What rules do you have for your family? Leave me a comment, or post to our Parents of NEXTgeneration Kids Facebook page.

This is a continuation of a series I'm posting during our study of the book of Romans at Creekside, as we encourage families to memorize the "Shema" together. Previous posts here:

• Intro
  
• What is the Shema?
  
• Why memorize?
  
• Making Memorization Fun
  
• Making a Mezuzah

Shema, Pt 4: Making a Mezuzah

"...Write them on the doorposts of your house and on your gates." (Deuteronomy 6:9, the last verse of the Shema)

The Israelites took literally Moses' instruction to write the commands of God on their doorposts, enclosing a scroll of parchment in a decorative box, and attaching it to their door frame. On the parchment is written a part of the Shema, and when installed, the mezuzah is both a blessing to the home and a reminder, as the Shema instructs of God's commands.

Since we're learning the Shema together, and keeping it visual is the best way to help us memorize, work together as a family this week to create a mezuzah for your home. It doesn't have to be elaborate - I've seen them made from an empty matchbox, lego, an empty glue stick - but you could even make them from a toilet paper core, or an origami box. Want to go all out? Make several and hang them on the different door frames around your home.

Most mezuzahs have the Hebrew letter "shin" on the outside, which is the first letter of one of the names of God: Shaddai.

Have your child write out the Shema passage, Deuteronomy 6:4-9, on a small piece of paper and roll it up to fit it inside. If your mezuzah is too small, you could just write the word "shema" in Hebrew and talk about that that means.

Show me your mezuzah! Leave me a comment, email me, or post to our Parents of NEXTgeneration Kids Facebook page.

This is a continuation of a series I'm posting during our study of the book of Romans at Creekside, as we encourage families to memorize the "Shema" together. Previous posts here:

• Intro
  
• What is the Shema?
  
• Why memorize?
  
• Making Memorization Fun

Sources: Red & blue lego mezuzah, posted on Flickr. Mezuzah photo above, found here.

kiddo's room (and a non-newsworthy update)

update: our very last bit of paperwork was turned into DSHS on January 31, and now we're just waiting on our licensor to finish up her report and have it approved by her supervisor. i checked in for an update last monday (2/13) and she said that she'd be writing our report that week, and that we should expect 1-2 weeks for her supervisor to approve it - so 3 weeks total... that was a week ago, and i have an email out to her asking about last week's progress. hoping for good news.

meanwhile, we've been putting the finishing touches on kiddo's room. (read: i've been nesting like crazy.) a few dear friends threw us a blessing shower last weekend, and some very generous ladies turned out to bless our family with lots of lovely gifts, and gift cards to help us when it's time to get a new little one settled in. i had great fun, and matt tolerated, putting the last of the furniture together and officially finishing the room.

wanna see?

{had the dresser & stereo already. made the squirrel silhouette canvases. lamp & rug from ikea.}

{made the curtains & pennant string. spice racks, from ikea, turned bookshelves. rocking chair was a shower gift.}

{beanie babies were a perfect find at value village - brand new and $1 each! the owl wall hanging was found by a friend at a thrift store. she painted it and used it for decor at my shower, and i talked her into letting me have it.}

{embroidery hoops & fabric for a splash of color. framed artwork was a shower gift from a friend who saw me pin these flashcards and knew i hadn't gotten around to it! made the owl-shaped pillow and the pillowcase. embroidered owl pillow was a project my mom started years ago and finally finished in time for my birthday. the turtle on the nightstand is nightlight that projects constellations on the walls & ceiling. the bed was a hand-me-down from a couple at church.}

{the hanger was a simplified version of something i saw on etsy. (they used wood for the owls, mine are cardboard.) i've been in love with this backpack for months and finally bought it last week.}

{toy storage in the closet. owl on top of the shelves is a doorstop, which the dog tries to eat every time i turn around. painting was a shower gift from a friend. made the bunny, fox & owl baskets. chose a curtain instead of a door.}

{another etsy idea. theirs was wooden, i opted for cardboard, covered with a piece of scrapbooking paper with the faux-bois print that i love.}

{a felt board - an old piece of artwork covered felt, plus lots of bits and pieces to make four or five different scenes. inspiration here.}

there it is! finally feels finished, but i'm sure i'll do more puttering around as we wait...