changing confidence...

i've come to an interesting realization in the last few weeks. weightloss is changing my body image. sure, to some extent, you have to have confidence to make the effort in the first place, but as i lose, my confidence is increasing.

i first noticed this when i ran into an old friend from highschool a few weeks ago. we chatted briefly, and having just left the hospital, i was sloppily dressed and in need of a shower. and yet, i was excited to see her. we talked about the comings & goings of a few other friends, and later that evening, i found myself wishing the four of us old friends could get together, just to catch up. i wished we'd exchanged phone numbers.

a year ago - nearly 30 lbs ago - i never, ever would've felt this way. ashamed of myself, i always felt that my extra weight, no matter how little it really was, played a part in the relationships i had - and didn't have - in high school. even though no one ever said anything, i always felt that someone, somewhere, was holding my weight against me.

and these three girls - we weren't particularly close in the last couple of years of highschool. in fact, one downright had it out for me (can't remember why now...) and as often happens, i just grew apart from them. but now, i wish we had the opportunity to get together.

i felt this same willingness to re-establish old roots last night, after listening to a guilty message from my long-time best friend. she confessed to me that a very old ex-best-friend of mine had gotten in touch with her, and asked how to get in touch with me - and she'd given that old friend my email address.

i groaned, and then laughed. and thought my history with old-friend. i thought about how we "broke up" - going separate ways to different highschools, turning into totally different people. i wondered what old-friend was up to now, and how she's changed. i tried to determine if i was looking forward to her potential email, or if i was dreading having to find an excuse to not get together.

but the fact that i contemplated it shows me again that i'm more confident today than i was a year ago. even though i'm still carrying more weight than old-friend ever knew me with, i'm still more confident, because i'm doing something about it.

and if coffee with an old-friend isn't motivation to keep going, i don't know what is. ;)